Wednesday, October 29, 2008

[outsideleft] A Public Service Announcement on Behalf of The Mountain Goats

The Mountain Goats
Satanic Messiah EP

Let me ask you, when was the last time a one-time PayPal transaction of $6.66 saved your life? Not only will it allow you to purchase this fine digital EP by The Mountain Goats, a band that has given you so much over the years, but a portion of that $6.66 will go towards efforts initiated and maintained by the band to keep demons from popping up out of dark closets unexpectedly and harvesting your still-beating hearts, allowing your entrails, and thereby your secrets, to spill out onto the floor right there in front of everyone. That's right, actual demons. Demons have a license from The Universe to harvest you in order to balance out the impact of your uncountable, horrible sins, and, if you are reading this, haven't gotten to you yet simply because of backlog and the corralling skills of The Mountain Goats.

Here is how it works. Due to a longtime familiarity with the forces of darkness, The Mountain Goats get a signal that demon is about to appear and they are all like "Hey, Demons! Check me out!" right as the beasts enter the mortal plane. Fleet-footed as a Mountain Goats are known to be, they engage the demons in chase to a spot behind the convenience store where runaway teenagers hide in the weeds with baseball bats. The teenagers beat the shit out of the demons and then take all the money in the demon's wallet to buy an Icee and some drugs later. Simple and effective.

Sure, you may not want to be directly complicit in the further drug-addledness of teenagers, but picture being in a meeting and having a goddamn demon bust in and harvest your heart and reveal your secrets. Your coworkers will be stunned and pitying for a moment and then look at your entrails and see that you are a cross-dresser, or you always smell your fingers after going to the bathroom, or you think about driving through the guardrail every time you cross a bridge. When they see these things about you, your peers will feel disgusted by you, and as soon as someone gets up here to clean up this mess, you will be but an unpleasant distant memory to them. Someone will ease in and start doing your job, and you will be effectively erased from the Book of Life. You don't need that shit. And maybe, just maybe a lifetime of piety and prayer will sustain you against the heart-hungry beasts of the pit, but who has the time nowadays? $6.66 is a small price to pay to keep your secrets safe, keep your family safe, and to keep The Mountain Goats in business.


1 comment:

  1. I could not be any happier about this article. It has improved my life in ways that are as yet beyond measure.