Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Proposed Moratoria for 2008

  • Complaining about customer service - It makes you look spoiled and horrible and only inspires people serving you to spit in your food. People serving you do not, in fact, love you. They actually hate you, so the only way that you, the one holding the power, can mediate this is by getting over yourself and rolling with it. Customer service mentalities are the downfall of our civilization, so help us all out by rising above it.
  • The word douche - when used as a derogatory descriptor of a person. Douches are perfectly normal things, devoid of negative connotations unto themselves. By design, they are supposed to make a situation "better," though the actual necessity of them is a matter of personal choice and poses larger sexual-political implications. The term douchebag is acceptable in that it has a certain gravitas when uttered sparingly. But if you find yourself dubbing people douchebag often enough that is necessitates abbreviation to douche then perhaps the problem lies in the dubber and not the dubbee.
  • ! - The past year was very very exciting, I know, but when everything is exclaimed, nothing sticks out. It is just all loud. Blog headlines rarely call for that level of excitement. This extends doubly to bands - you no longer should use excessive punctuation in your band name, but song titles are exempt. This includes the band !!! who I am willing to sacrifice altogether for this cause. I say make 2008 the year of italics, they are so much sexier, all cocked back like that instead of the sudden erection of an exclamation point.
  • Forced personal blogging - Please do not ask anyone to post every day or four times a day or anything on a personal blog. John Cage once said about his compositional techniques: I have nothing to say, and I am saying it and that is poetry, and I think this edict applies to blogs, but that joyous nothingness takes on a sinister tone when there is a gun pointed to its head. And then having guilt about not blogging - that is horrible.
  • Sizeism - Quit hating fat people. Or at least quit voicing it. You can go ahead and fill up on as much hate as you little heart can carry, just keep it there.
  • eVite - I actually like the idea of eVite except that you cannot simply ignore an eVitation. It turns your possible social existence into actionable items that will pop up and re-occur over and over until you commit one way or another. I don;t want to go to every party in the world, but I also don't want to be put in the position of actively refusing every invitation. I feel bad when I have to say no, like I should offer some pithy explanation as to why I can't be there, or like I am grabbing someone by both shoulders and coldly saying NO to their innocent plea. It makes everybody the asshole, useful preliminary headcounts be damned. I say make enough salsa for everyone and see if there is a "no second notice" option when you send it.

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