The new Mike the Tiger is being given his test run at the deluxe mascot condo over by the football stadium. I agree with my friend Terry's remark that the appalling nature of this spectacle, as well as the ironic psychic baggage stemming from having a caged mascot, would be lessened if he were released into the stands at some random point during each home game, and allowed a single victim. Up to 85K people in that stadium at any game - statistically, someone's going to go out choking on a nacho or having a ramshackle concession kiosk tumble over onto them.
Surely being eaten by the mascot, really giving up one's Tiger spirit in the deepest way possible, would be a preferable way off the mortal coil. They could name a shitty apartment complex out in "Tigerland" after the martyred fan, maybe one with a pool. A chosen representative from the fraternity with the most sexual assault accusations racked up could be compelled to have the victim's face tattooed on the left ass cheek with the date on the right.
Plus, this is all tempered by the fact that I stopped at the Tiger Truck Stop in Gross Tete last night and finally saw their Live Tiger Exhibit as advertised on the attraction signs at the I-10 exit.
The cage off to the right in this photo from the truck stop website is where Toby paces around with trucks pulling through on one side and the highway behind him. I'm an infrequent member of the zoo, and frequent meat-eater, so it would hypocritical of me to weepily lambast this place, but goddamn, y'all. All the rhetoric about the birth rates and what not do not take away from the fact that a tiger paces around in a cage by the highway. It makes me hope that the alligators get their shit together after the nuclear winter and start taking out about 1 in 10 of us just for good measure.